Here I am
“Tomorrow I will publish my website.” I have been uttering this seemingly ridiculous phrase on repeat, all day, to myself, to my friends, to my loved ones.
Sometimes I say this excitedly; my eyes wide open, a nervous smile twitching at my mouth which stays mostly in a line, unable to stretch to anything resembling a carefree smile. I am feeling some authentic exhilaration and delight. And. I am also clearly trying to raise some enthusiasm for this potentially awful decision.
“Tomorrow I will publish my website.”
Still other times throughout the day, this announcement carries blatant foreboding and a slight nausea that curls up around the outside of my belly and towards my throat. Clearly, I am not enthusiastic about this likely awful decision.
Why does the idea of a personal website bring forth so many feelings of….yechhh? Every time we make ourselves available to public scrutiny, we take a risk of exposure, of vulnerability. Some audiences honor that risk with support and encouragement, while others disparage the risk with unkind criticism and judgment.
In my life I have chosen to walk the tough path of vulnerability and public scrutiny many times. I have experienced the most blissful encouragement as well as painful unkindness. Bliss is great, but why would I move closer to something that has caused me pain as well?
When our children were little, they learned that getting too close to the stove could burn them. So, what did they do? For the most part, they stayed away from the stove, especially if they had experienced even a minor burn. Why would any of us move towards the proverbial stove? Why do we choose to be vulnerable after we’ve been burned? Is that brave or silly?
Brene Brown, a researcher and author, defines vulnerability in the video of her speech, “Call to Courage.” Brown says that true vulnerability is measured by “the amount of courage to show up and be seen when you can’t control the outcome.” Brown goes on to describe the necessary integration of courage and vulnerability, saying that you “can’t be brave without vulnerability,” and that a willingness to be vulnerable is the very definition of courage.
A website is a bundle of stories. My website will be a small, but growing bundle of my stories. They are each silently titled: “I know who I am. Here she is. Here I am.”
So, betwixt some genuine delight, and the equally genuine impending vulnerability hangover, I offer you my newest foray into vulnerability, courage, and hopefully some fun!
Here’s to choosing bravery. And here I am.
Evelyn
